Pictures: The table is set for guests to arrive, the giving of the ring, the women's side, the men's side and the families (Girl’s father, mother, future groom, future bride, his mother and father).
The Engagement Party
Last Sunday, March 7, will be a day we will never forget. Actually it was March 6 and 7. As mentioned in last weeks blog we were asked by our neighbor Saraboni’s family if they could use our home to host the men at the engagement ceremony of Saraboni. It was a great honor for us to be asked, and my conversation clubs said it was an indication of great trust.
My apologies to any of the family if I do not have all the details correct because the process is “foreign” to us.
Saraboni and her fiancé, Samir’s families have known each other for years. His family lives in Baku and her family here in Shirvan. When a man finds a woman he would like to marry, two female members of his family approach the mother of the girl. The girl’s mother asks her daughter if she would agree to the marriage. If the girl agrees, then his parents come and meet with her parents, again the marriage is proposed and she has the option to accept or decline.* The commitment is then to be formalized at some point in the near future.
Your invitation to the formalization is now extended. It begins for us on Saturday evening March 6 at about 8:30 p.m. when Saraboni’s female members of the family knock and say they are ready to begin arranging our living room. Our table was extended, unnecessary furniture stored in our bedroom, a table is brought in from a neighbor, and the table is set with everything but food. Every dish is touched by at least 10 different people, each person moving and placing the dish in the exact place. The glass is moved a half-inch left, then a quarter inch back to the right. Plates are exchanged, forks are adjusted, and the process takes about 2 hours.
Linda retired to bed at about 10:45; whereas, I had already sought the shelter and privacy of our bedroom once the furniture was moved. Linda observed the meticulous detailing of every piece of cutlery, napkins, glasses, and dishes. We were told the festivities would begin at 1:00, but maybe noon the next day.
The girl’s door is decorated with a red ribbon and a carpet is on the landing outside the door. During the night the women prepare the food, chicken, salads, grape leaf dolma, beef and potato stew, sweets, and bread.
I went running on Sunday morning returned at 9:30 to food on the table and many people in our house preparing for the first guest to arrive. I looked at chicken, two salads, assorted sweets, I quickly cleaned up and got dressed for the day. At about 11:30 there were four brothers of the father of the bride in our apartment making small talk. We all went over to Saraboni’s home, and then we were quickly ushered back to the men’s area. The girl’s men relatives gathered and we all await the arrival of the future groom and his family.
We were sitting and chatting, then about 1:30 Linda comes in and says there is a bit of panic on the future bride’s side. Why are they so late? A call was made and they were on the way from Baku, but running late. At 2:20 horns honk and four automobiles arrive with great fanfare all decorated with red ribbons. The entourage comes up the stairs bringing gift baskets. The man’s family presents the gift baskets, then all men are in our apartment. Introductions are made, first the eldest brother of the girl’s father, then the man’s father introduced all his family and guests.
The next order of business was the drinking of tea. The formal meal is preceded by a small glass of hot tea along with various candies and sweets. After the tea was removed, the dolma was placed on the table. Once bread is brought in, then the meal begins. There is a pause while the ring and accompanying jewelry are shown, then taken to the bride’s side for presentation.
After the dolma, came the stew like dish. While eating the oldest gentleman in the room stands and gives words of praise for the families and endorses the character of the future bride. Men stand and give words of welcome and best wishes. I shared our deep honor at being included in this very special ceremony and expressed our love for Azerbaijan and its people, and culture.
Meanwhile on the bride’s side the same meal is served, the ring is accepted, women talk, and there are no formal speeches. There is dancing at one point, and with the cutting of the cake the ceremony ends.
The men’s side has concluded by this same time, and farewells are shared until the actual wedding. Now that the couple are engaged they may also meet to better get to know one another in a public or chaperoned setting.
Then came the cleanup. We concluded with returning all the furniture to its rightful owners and places by about 6:30 p.m.
*Note: The girl is given the option of refusing the proposal. Depending on the degree of traditional culture in the family what may happen if she declines. In the most conservative family that I have had contact with, the daughter who was 18 did not want to marry that young and wanted to study. Her father wanted her to marry the man in his mid-thirties, and gave instruction for her to marry. In honor of her father she then accepted. It is this latter case that gives us pause within our sense of individual choice and freedom. We indeed have cultural differences which are difficult for each of us to understand.
When we tell people our sons are not married, we are often viewed as having abandoned our family to come to Azerbaijan. The family commitment here trumps everything.
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